Don’t get me wrong – Candy Land is definitely one of my favorite childhood games. At one point all the cards somehow got misplaced, so I busted out some index cards and made my own. (Fighting the urge to just do away with the Plumpy card altogether.) But you have to admit, some of the characters are… well…creepy. Straight up creepy. So I decided to rank the characters from least to most creepy. Your list may vary if you have a fetish for big globs of diarrhea with eyes.
Don’t you dare talk shit about Queen Frostine – she is a saint. Her card was always the most coveted one in the game – you were basically a shoe-in for the Candy Castle if you were lucky enough to pull it from the deck. (Although I played a recent game with my three year old where she pulled Queen Frostine as her second card and then wound up getting sent back to Plumpy. Because life ain’t fair, kid.) Anyway, there’s nothing remotely creepy about Queen Frostine. She’s a power ballad away from a Disney Princess. She is the Candy Land goddess.
Princess Lolly seems like she’d be cool to hang out with, but at the same time she looks like trouble. Just look at that coy little smile on her face. She seems like the type who sneaks in after curfew and has Mr. Mint hanging on her every word, even though she has no intention on ever hooking up with him. Those eyes do seem a little crazy though.
Mr. Mint may look like some kind of clown, but he’s really a bad ass lumberjack, chopping down candy canes and making flutes out of them apparently. His puffy shorts are a bit of an odd choice, but considering the collection of freaks and weirdos of the Candy Land universe to come, I’m not going to crucify his fashion choices.
If you rule Candy Land, why do you call yourself Kandy? Just sitting there in your giant castle made of ice cream cones, swinging around your cupcake scepter, making the player wait to pull a purple card before they can come inside. Control freak. I bet the icing on your crown melts in the sun and gets in your eyes.
She seems somewhat normal on the outside, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s got Hansel and Gretel tied up somewhere inside that peanut brittle cottage. The witch in that story did have a house made of candy, after all. It’s a little bit suspicious, that’s all I’m saying. If the Candy Land cops ever came around though, I’m sure she’d pack ’em full of peanut brittle until they forgot their troubles.
This furry green Muppet reject is the worst card in the game, probably because his space is less than ten from start. And did his card ever manage to make it to the top of the pile? No. It always managed to squirm to the bottom of the pile, just waiting to screw you over just as the cherry tops of the candy castle were coming into view. Trim your mustache, you borderline troll, and put on some pants. Also, tell your creepy tree to stop grinning at me, because I don’t know what it’s so happy about. Plums aren’t candy. You shouldn’t even be here. Take the nine steps back to start and get the hell out of Candy Land, poser. I don’t care if your tree is supposed to be gingerbread. I don’t like how it’s looking at me.
I guess the local store was having a blow out sale on pantaloons? What is Jolly supposed to be exactly? An alien? I wouldn’t think he could drive the spaceship with glasses that thick, but it would explain the three antennae (because what else are they?) on his head. Imagine being lost in the Candy Land Gumdrop Mountains when all of the sudden this guy comes lumbering after you, shoving giant handfuls of gum drops into his big, slobbery mouth. Damn right you’d run for your life. Oh, and I guess there’s another version of Jolly, because nothing says gum drops like dinosaurs.
Why does this creepy son of a bitch get his own castle? That place needs to be condemned, because he looks like a straight up child molester. My three year old described him as “ugly”, a word I honestly have never heard her use before, and also a wicked witch. I’m not comfortable with the kids in this game going anywhere near his place of residence, especially when he’s pointing at it, like, get up in here, kids. I’ve got CANDY. NOT LIKE THAT FREAK HAWKING FRUIT WITH THE SMILING TREE BACK THERE. He looks like the genetic monstrosity that would occur if Dracula did it with the creepy child snatching guy from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
At least he isn’t on the pantaloons bandwagon, but he does look like he’s into S&M. There’s only one character in the game who would make me consider taking him up on his offer and heading into that castle of no return.
Yuck. Just. ugh. Gloppy is supposed to be made of molasses, but he looks more like what comes out of a large dog that has the runs. Is he supposed to look at all appetizing? Because a protruding tongue emerging from a pile of explosive diarrhea to eat itself doesn’t exactly have me craving a chocolate bar. As you can see in the image above, you can get stuck in Gloppy (or, technically, the Molasses Swamp, but he is the damn swamp) until you pull another red card. This is Candy Land hell for several reasons. One, you’re so close to the end, and two, there’s a damn good chance Gloppy will cover you in himself, slam your corpse onto a stick, and eat you.
Oh, and sometimes he wears a tie. Because that’s an improvement.
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